Closer Than Vein

 
Have you ever experienced a moment in your life when death is so close you can actually feel its presence? Ever had a feelings of hopelessness so great, all you had in mind was families and friends thinking that you will never see them again?
 
Though death is so imminent, yet it is so subtle. It looms around you, hides behind your back, and tries to communicate with you. Tries to remind you how fragile life is. And sometimes, it even touches you.

Three months ago (6th of May to be exact) I experienced a rather serious accident at the gym, while doing my daily routine workout. My left lung suddenly collapsed, and I could hardly breathe. I was literally gasping for air like a dying fish; totally helpless, for almost 15 minutes before I could get to the hospital. That ride to hospital was the longest ride in my life. And I was literally dying.

I can vaguely recall how desperate I was as I begged my friend who was driving the car to drive faster. That man was a hero, and I owe him a life. He got me to hospital just before the oxygen in my lung are all used up. "Five more minutes, and you'll be gone.." said the doctor.  It was totally a close call. Seriously man, real close.

As I woke up at my bed in the hospital the next morning, I couldn't actually believe that I actually survived the night. All praise to Him The All-Merciful, I was still alive the next day. I couldn't describe how grateful I am to survive the night. It is beyond words. 

For the next three consecutive days I was placed at the critical ward, heavily supervised. Some of the beds in the ward were the deathbeds for a lot of patients there. I have witnessed several deaths on the bed around me, for almost everyday. Again, death loomed just around me.

There are many things that I have learned from the tragic event but these two are golden; that death are never too far from you, and that there are always people who care for you even when you're not noticing. 

This piece of paper keeps me strong. Thank you guys.

Thank you Allah, for this event. Though its tragic, it taught me a lot.

"And We have already created man and know what his soul whispers to him, and We are closer to him than [his] jugular vein." (Quran 50:16)

Another Year Flies

So altogether it has been 2 years since I took my very first step out of the school life, into a phase of life of an adult, which is still a little bit new to me, in this university. And awkwardly, I somehow feel that it is so surreal to be growing up and old, that fast. Sometimes, when I take a look at my identification card and realise that the year 1992 has gone for 2 decades, I was like, "Is this for real?"


Sometimes, when reminiscing all those memories I had when I was younger, I felt like crying. Going through the family photo albums page by page made me pondered, sunk deeply in thought. I just merely can't believe that cute boy in the blurry, old family photos has grown up into an adult, and he just happened to be, well, me. 


(Can't believe in 20 years time, all the cuteness would just, gone =.=")


The truth is, I miss the old me. I miss how naive, innocent I was, as opposed to what I am now. It is just hard to believe that in 20 years time, I would change by quite a lot. And of course I'm not talking about the physical change, but what lies inside. It is like an old, outdated Microsoft Windows 98 computer just got formatted and upgraded into Windows 7. All the old data and everything else that comes from the past is erased and replaced by the new ones. Unfortunately in my case, there are no backup files.  >.< 


Anyway, that is life. Time flies and life happens. Every second passed will be worthless unless you treasure every single moment of your life. And in the end, all that left is, memories. Right? WRONG!


Over the years I've been into, I would rather say that, memories is not the only thing remains as a result of the time. In fact, memories doesn't actually matter. FRIEND DOES.


In this university I found all sorts of friends; from the one that can be trusted to the wicked ones that would be happy just to see me fall. Through the years friendship blossomed and friendship collapsed. Betrayal, denial and all sort of trouble in relationship is, though imminent, yet still left a deep scar that takes ages to heal.

But it is in here too, that I met a friendship that is seeming to end as a wonderful memory of being together in me. Hopefully in a few decades time, whenever I take a look back in times, those memories that we had in this friendship will always carve a smile on our lips :)

Friendship Over Love

Have you ever caught in a situation where you and your friend shared the same crush? Like, suppose you and your friend (and to make things worse, make it your best friend) secretly have this feelings towards the same girl and both of you didn't actually realise it. Then one day, you began to sense something was actually fishy about the way your best friend treated that girl. Soon after, you started the get the big picture as you take a look into his facebook activities (or in short, stalking him), and found he seemed to fancy that girl, as well as you are. 


What you think you would do?


To be frank I personally have no experience over things like this, since it never happened to me. But I do have an experience of handling a misunderstanding between me and one of my friend on things just as the same as this. The slight difference is, I have no feelings to that girl.

"About a year ago, during my foundation programme I was assigned to be in mentor-mentee group with this girl, one of my lecture mate. We were obligated to see our mentor every week and complete every tasks given, sometimes together. Which in short means, I had to stick with her for the whole mentor-mentee programme period. (It lasted for a few months)

This girl, well, I didn't know much about her. We never knew each other before from anywhere before that programme, and even during the programme, I didn't really talked much to her. But after a while, from some of my friends I learnt that the girl who I got to get stuck with for that period, actually have a boyfriend, which  is also a friend of mine. Well I was like, "Oh, I see", but I didn't sweat it because it utterly had nothing to do with me.

There was a day when that girl talked to me, and told me that she is having a problem with her boyfriend. She told me that their relationship is ruining. Well guess why? His boyfriend was jealous coz he often saw us together, but that is not the worst part. Worse, he blindly accused us for having a special relationship, which explained why he never greeted me for the whole semester. 

I was like, "So this whole thing happened coz he was jealous of me being together with her girlfriend, whom I hardly know, and suddenly accused us for having an affair that is starting to ruin their relationship and already kill our friendship ... and I don't even know a thing about this??" 

"And why on earth that he didn't face me personally and let me explain things up, despite of making his own assumptions, accusations and blind anticipations? I'm right here sharing the same hostel with him. It is awful it happened that way coz that thing doesn't even true!" 

The next few months, they broke up, and that girl left the university. But still, thinking of that, it is still painfully awful coz their relationship collapsed over a thing that is not true. Merely, just because of jealousy. How would you feel when suddenly you become the main reason over a ruined relationship, when you actually don't know anything about it? Painfully awful.. "

Back to the top, in a situation where you and one of your friend is in denial coz you both like the same person, I guess it is best for one of you to give in. To me, it is much better that way, than keep antagonising each other for years and ruining the friendship utterly. 


In such cases, "BMW"  always means "Best Man Wins". But it is not you nor your friend who's going to decide who's the best man. It is her decision. Whether you would be the one who give in for the sake of the friendship, or you keep fighting for the girl, she knows who's the best :)

Soften Up The New Guy

During my childhood times I got bullied a lot. They called the tradition as, "soften up the new guys", new,infirm and younger students would have to pay utmost respect to the elder and bigger students, and I was once a victim of the system. I was physically smaller than my other friends of my batch in my primary school, made me so much vulnerable to get bullied by those punks with a bigger physical. They took my food, isolated me, and told the others not to befriend with me. So I was alienated, I was always alone.

My father were well aware of this, and were always prudent about how I was doing in school. Whenever he fetched me and I came to him with teary eyes, he would wait for the punk to show up and rebuke him. And that eventually made me a "daddy's son"; whoever try to boss me would have to face my father, and face the music. Sooner as I was approaching 10, now one messed with me anymore. Thanks to my father :)

But time had not been good to me when I first got to my secondary school. During my early times there I met the real bully who assaulted me physically. He was a few years older, and of course physically, I was never in his league. He was much taller, strongly built. Me? I was just a skinny 154 cm tall boy on that time, and with the extremely low self esteem resulting from the awful experience of being bullied in primary school, of course anyone had the dare to toy me around. And my father wasn't around anymore for me to cling on, coz most of the times I went to school by my own. So I was totally on my own. 

And to mention what the bully had done to me, the "brotherhood general" had once strangled me with his strong hands when I accidentally bumped into him on my way to class. What a pathetic loser I was, but there's nothing I could do. No one ever backed me up.

When I was in form 3, the rascal left the school and since then, I never got my ass kicked anymore. And that was the end of me being bullied. 

Yeah maybe you'll just simply say that it was nothing, but if you were in my place, or in anyone's place that got bullied, you'll find it not so funny at all. Even when they already got out of the school where they got bullied, it would always left a long-term effect to them; to the personality, to the confidence, to the way they mannered, to the way they conduct themselves. 


Sincerely I never had a confidence in myself in school, I didn't have the balls to deal with the crowds, or even to do a presentation in front of the class. I would mumble, or trembled like a leaf. I couldn't conduct myself well particularly in crowds. Well I guess that was the effect that lied inside me. I was lucky I was much better now, after a few years. 


Sometimes, when I was moseying around here in my place this time around, I met those punks again. They seemed shocked to look at me being much taller and physically bigger than before, and I am just as tall as them. I had no grudge to hold to them, I still recognize them as one of old friend, so we just greeted each other nicely and exchange stories. Its always nice to see old friends, though they were once wicked old friends >.<

Parthenophobia - Fear Of Girls

I was born in a family where I was surrounded by girls; all my siblings are girls. And you don't have to be at my place to know how that wasn't funny at all, coz as kids that didn't even stepped to school yet, apparently I didn't have anyone else to befriend with or just to play with, just my sisters. And of course as girls they didn't do soccer, catch spiders, gunfights and car chases game, or the other boys' stuffs. They weren't even into those things. So what did they do? Well obviously, they did all those girlish things that have something to do with dolls, pink stuffs and guess what? I used to play them. >.<

You know, I was like hovering above myself and when I looked at myself playing dolls, it really made me nauseous. I really can't believe I did those, but I can do nothing to smother those coz I can't deny the memories. I still got it clear, roaming in my mind, and thats just sick! >.<

Then, when I was 7 and went to my primary school, it turned a new chapter in my life. Yes well, that was the moment when I realized that the were many more BOYS in this world, other than me. As I know I wasn't alone, I felt saved already! 

Screw the dolls, its time for the boys stuffs!

That was the moment I met and got acquainted with lots of boys from all sorts; from the kind, well-mannered to the rascals; the worst ones. That was the moment I was introduced to plastic guns and ammos, soccer game, decks of cards that have the pictures of dinosaurs on them; all the boys stuffs!

And truthfully when I returned back home from school, I was a lil fearful to mingle around with my sisters again. I was afraid I would just lose my "boyish gene" and be like a girl ever again. Doll's no more my friend. No more. =.="

Now when my friends over here ask me about my family and as they discover that I was the only boy amongst my siblings, they often give me the surprised look and said:

"Lucky you're not that "aww" buddy, or else you won't happen to be my friend!"

Indeed, I am lucky. >.<

Father

As a cranky son, I don't always think a father's life would be much easier than it looks. I find my father for instance, unpredictable. Though as a father's son I usually think I've known my father well, but I still can't explain why sometimes it would be very hard to anticipate what he had in mind.

"What goes around comes around"

Thats karma, thats life. Where whatever you did, you would just get the same thing in return. You pay someone a good deed, the very same thing he'll give you. You dare to commit wrong things, be dare to face the music too. Everything bought, must be paid. That is the law of a worldly life. 

But guess what, that law doesn't apply to a father. You see, I'm a cranky son, I misbehaved a lot. I don't always agree with my father. He says white,and I see black. I am a rebellious son when I was younger. When there were some things that I asked from my father but he objected, I got clamped up real quick and try to show how angry I was as apparent as I could. Slammed door, whines and sinister smiles, anything. 

Sometimes when my father perceived my protests such so, I would got punished instantly. Recalling the strokes of rattan, locked doors from inside, and other punishments I got when I was younger had always left a mark in myself. I always thought that he hated me badly.

But I was actually got deceived by my own negative mind. Despite of all the punishments my father gave me that I assumed before were how he manifest his hates towards me, he actually bought me a cake for my birthdays, give me presents when I excelled something and always be late to work because he sent me to school on the first place for like, everyday! There was some times before that I heard that his boss had always called him at the office and mad at him for being always late to work. You know how it made you think when you know you're the main reason why your father always late to work and he had to face the boss every time. Because of you.

Since then I don't see any hates anymore. It was just me.

Now you see how that karma doesn't work to a father, to my father. Whatever I gave him, no matter how cranky, how bad, how naughty I was, he'll will just give me one and only; a fathers love.

(Even though the punishments are still following~ XD)

"Dear father, this Dean List is for you.."

>>I really hope some day I will be able to post a status update in my Facebook, like that :)




Love ya, father. Whatever you do, you're always my hero. <3

He's The Very Best Of Teacher

Huh, this blogs dusty! Hi all, I'm so sorry for not updating this blog for quite a while, well, its kinda north of a month coz my last post was dating from July 11th 2011. It was just because I got stuck in a situation of "so many things to do, so little time", facing 9 examination papers throughout the month. The worst thing is, it was the Final Examination papers. Yeah, the very last exam before I get to step into the life of a degree student, well, this upcoming September.


The reason why I took the Final Exam real late than the others because I caught a dengue fever when the others were facing the exam. So my exam was dragged to a date dating south of three months from the real final examination date, just for my recovery.

But as my exam was scheduled to be in July, so I have to arrange my own place to stay throughout the 5 days period of exam. But then I decided to just stay at my previous hostel, even it is already occupied with juniors. Well, sharing is caring right? Plus it won't take any longer, just a 5 days period. A LONG 5 DAYS PERIOD.

It was actually a very long, tough a week of 5 days. There were always obstacles, like when I lost my baggage at the bus station in Seremban, when I had to take a paper without an identification card and proper attire (coz my cloths were all there in the lost bag!), and of course, when I had to explain why to the people at the examination center. That moment I was really have to cling to my own self, coz I got nobody to assist me with everything.

But I was so lucky a very generous lecturer got my back. He was Mr. Arho, who teach Physics to the foundation students in my university. He helped me everyday with almost everything; gave me a ride to my hostel, treated me lunch, gave me his office keys in case I want to study in a period between the papers, supported me morally etc. Served me all the assistance I need along such a week of helter skelter like that . I owed him really that much.

On my last day there before I had my last paper, I told Mr. Arho my mechanical pencil was broken and so I wished to borrow a pencil from him. I put the dismantled mechanical pencil on his table (it was terrible broken) all scattered, before I thanked him and left to face the paper. 3 hours later when my paper was over I came back to his office, but he wasn't there. But suddenly I saw my mechanical pencil was still there on the table, but fully mantled and in a good shape. Yes, he fixed it for me, man. I was so touched :)


In the evening when he sent me back to my hostel for the last time, I hugged him real tight, thanked him for helping me and treated me really good, even though before this we never got to know each other that better. I mean, he didn't teach my class or my lecture. I just met him by coincidence before that. But he treated me otherwise; just like I was his son. I felt so touched by his kindness and so lucky to have his assistance. Really do.

He's one of the best teacher I've ever known :) Mucho gracias, Mr. Arho.